A Walled Life
By: PSUPT GLENN DUMLAO
The best thing about life is how man is resuscitated by its natural side. How man can feel the powerful wind; how man can enjoy the sight of nature’s picturesque; how man is benefitted by the abundance of the waters, the trees and the animals. The human side of life on the other hand, offers not only an interesting aspect but most challenging. It is made of ups and downs, successes, victories, falls and defeats. Ingredients inevitable for man depending on how one makes his own life recipes or how others would impose” on him spells the difference between happiness and failure. It is in this context that everyone wheel of life is hinged.
In this world of limitations and world of imperfections, everybody is a prisoner of his/her own world. Each and every one of us is chained on our own problems which in a way makes us “captives” in our own terms. Far more devastating is when the social structures made by man decided on your fate and is to moor your destiny. Social structures established to implement norms of standards that would distinguish man from animal. A noble establishment but how about if such social establishment would be utilized by “wicked men of honor”to sow further injustice? Are we better of then from the animals whose natural law is “survival of the fittest”? or are we worst than this animal kingdom for despite of our superior intelligence which can aid us in differentiating what is good and bad or as Aristotle states: “Intelligence gave us the ability to see the oughtness of things, the righteousness in life:, we as humans tend to use such advantage in disenfranchising other’s life; in making other’s life miserable what a pity to the lowliest; for theirs are all the disadvantages in this world.
Prison life had dropped me down on my knees once more and again wrought a big test on the ever brusque cadethood expressions “mind over body” and “stability under pressure”. But this is real, I’m inside a prison languishing, been locked-up, stripped of my clothes, searched, handcuffed, shouted at and pointed like a useless servant. My dignity as a human being is shattered. But “mind over body” indeed, I will not let this nightmare ruin my person lest shattered my beingness. But what, who, when, and where is the “saviour”? It’s me and myself alone now can make the difference.
Finding in the whole world, there’s no place that offers quietness and solace, walked into my cell and into myself; keep vigil with myself: walked with myself; stand and lay still with myself nor think that I’m alone if I’m with myself. As they say and I quote “If you are not with yourself, you will be alone even in the midst of the throne”. Am I being self-centered? There’s a bunch of us here in prison faced with its own problems and just like everybody else are searching for that elusive answer and solution to their predicament, that communicating with them are superficial, each is left with his own self contemplating what had been done and wishing that such had should not have been done. Its circumstantial then that in prison, everyone is pre-occupied with his own self.
It is in this preoccupation or may actually be a “remorse state” where one’s goodness unfolds. The intrinsic righteousness of man is expressed that indeed man is basically good. You may come to learn that nothing not of the soul can make you either happy or miserable; that all things that you really own are within you; that nothing that is not your own can be given. You and conversely, nothing that is your own can be taken away.
But is not being in prison taking my freedom away? Physically yes, because of human application of the established norms of society. My spirit on the other hand fly wild. It can never be shackled to soar even outside this seemingly impregnable facility. Yes, I dreamed I’m dreaming and will always be dreaming. It is the only way where I can do whatever I like and love to do without being constricted and controlled, more so prohibited. Contrary to the bitter pill of reality in prison where you have to “enjoy” what you are allowed to do and leave the rest for the days when you’ll be free. Through dreaming, I can face the harsh realities of my life and solve them out rightly in the way and time frame I would want things to unfold. A thing which I cannot do in my waking life.
Life equilibrium however, is sometimes unfair because as it swung into my sanity, as lever switch to reality, the frustration is there, the problem and aches linger on, the undeniable sufferings of my family especially my kids who were left to experience the anguish. The unbearable pain of my absence, whose innocence and emotions were hardened by callousness because of distance and isolation from me. Eight years of prime time which should have been spent guiding them was wasted into the lam. And now, I’m about to lose my freedom and my life and will never have that longing opportunity to embrace them and as fairy tale story end, “to live happily ever after”. My utmost desire to be free is bursting but my life ever since had been walled.
My God, my God, Why have you forsaken me? Or why me Lord, what have I ever done? Indeed, It’s not that God have forsaken you, It’s not that the Lord chose you to suffer this predicament, it’s man/s undoing and doing. Group or party of man playing o be good, trying to put and control the life of others into their own hand. And the true God is actually always there and I console myself with the fact that I have sacrificed for my country and I have succeeded. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it “to know even one life had breathe easier because you have live... this is to have succeeded.”A God who blessed the bed I lie on, (who knows how many soulless man of crime have lay on it) a God who watch and guard me and a God who bear my soul away.
With these thoughts, I’m reminded with my favourite poem which serves as my practical Bible-Desiderata-as it aptly state in its last paragraph:
“Therefore, be at Peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be; and whatever your labours and aspirations in this noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul:
With all its SHAMS, DRUDGERIES and Broken Dreams, it is still a Beautiful World, BE CHEERFUL...STRIVE TO BE HAPPY.”
And as I embark on this seemingly impossible endeavour to regain my freedom. I would reeved myself up on the fact that what is at stake is my life, the sole gift and dearest gem that spells the beginning and the end. The very medium that had open all kind of opportunities, a life where I may not have the interest of improving, but proudly I say, a life that I been always striving to define even if it’s now a WALLED LIFE.
-Nassau County Correctional Facility East Meadow, NY, USA (December 11, 2008)
Page Modified Date: 27 February 2010